fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
