I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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