How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
