I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
