didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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