Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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