WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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