Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
