When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
