Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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