did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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