Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
