I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
