I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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