Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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