at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I can't turn off my feet"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
