Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
