I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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