i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
