I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
