If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
