I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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