Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
