I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
