just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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