So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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