Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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