My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
