I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
