So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
