Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
