If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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