ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This is my gift to your gina
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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