If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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