i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
