I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
