my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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