Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
