On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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