careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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