Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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