It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
