If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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