Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
