Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
