Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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