member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
