gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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