Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
