Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
