and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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