We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
