What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She told me I should be a condom model.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
