if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
